Lets Try Therapy

So I had the thought there may be a few loose screws upstairs. Maybe a bit more than just a few. I don't think I have been "well" in a while and with everything happening in the past few weeks, I believe I needed to talk to someone. To get some things in order or at least a plan to better address them. The irony in this is I am due to graduate with my Psychology degree this year but that is not the point.

So I had my first appointment with a Psychologist last Tuesday. It was an baseline appointment, an assessment to see what we were working with. He asked general questions and noted points that were not normal. Points to work on. He asked about my family, my job, my relationship. He asked about my childhood, the abuse, the violence, how I see that now. Needless to say, he told me I should make an appointment with a Psychiatrist to get on medication for depression and anxiety.

I clearly said too much. I know I said this would be a year of silence but I did not follow that moto during that appointment. I rambled on and on. I have no idea why I kept talking but I did. I told him things far outside the scope of the questions he was asking. I think I lied about something so it didn't sound as bad. He stated he believes I am very depressed and having never dealt with my trauma (everyone has it at this point. Practically a trend). He said I have too much anger and I seem to be sabotaging my own life and relationships all the while tearing myself down.

Its possible. Or he sucks. Its to be determined.

But I decided to make the appointment today since I decided to be be confrontational with the boyfriend. I think the reason I am upset is valid but I also believe I am not handling it well. I saw myself once again trying to beg this man to understand me. I needed him to see the pain he causes and hear me. I said one thing about a sensitive topic, an recurring one, and he responded with "is that what we are doing today?"

I had a whole novel typed up and was going to send it but stopped. Why am I doing this? Why am I begging and explaining my feelings when I have said it all before. He knows everything I was going to say. He knows what he is doing. He knows I am hurting because he broke promises of change and keeps doing disrespectful things. Why am I with him? Better question is, why won't I just leave? I needed to make a change in myself if I want things to change in my life.

Silence.

I deleted the message. No explanation, no novel pouring out my feelings, no text back at all. I said nothing. I won't fight. I won't cry. I won't get angry. I will change. But given how hard that is and how I have been dealing with myself and life, chemical assistance may not be such a bad idea. At least I should have the conversation. I can't keep feeling the way I do, getting this mad at every little thing. I can't keep not being in control of myself and life. The boyfriend is not the only reason but its a major sign that I am not doing things right nor handling my mind and life well. Its a example of one of the many ways I am tearing myself apart. Staying with him because in the back of my mind I believe I may be crazy and deserve the treatment. In the back of my mind I believe he is not doing anything wrong and I am just asking for too much.

I am also too hopeful it will get better. That he will find he may love me enough to do better. But he is not doing better and I am not getting better. I am getting worse. So I can start by fixing myself. Silencing myself and my mind. Finding some peace and control within myself. Then move to fix what is around me.